Saturday, May 15, 2010 . 1:33 PM

Woke up to a 'sian' day. It's just a feelings I get that I don't feel like doing anything. From just now till now, I still feel like sleeping even though I have slept for 11hours already. Must be due to the lack of sleep during the weekdays.

How can I do well for anything if this always happens? Even if I were to study right now, all of it will be in vain as nothing would be going into my head. Our society really focuses too much on statistics. It destroys the original meaning of learning. Why do we have to learn? It's to gain more knowledge, but for what when all that we've learnt won't be used in the future. Of course, its the fun of learning that lets us continue to do that. I used to enjoy learning when I was young, because I was always curious, asking why and how. I think my mum hates it when I kept asking her questions that she couldn't answer, giving me the answer 'you'll find out when you grow up.' However, I don't 'find out' the answers or rather, I am not interested to do that anymore. The pressure generated from 'learning' just deters me from wanting to learn. Now all we do is just for the sake of doing them. All pointless.

I ask myself, 'what do I really want?' I cannot find the satisfactory answer. I don't know what I want to do in future nor have any idea what's in stall for me in future. A great-aunt saw potential in me and told me '你要用功读书，以后当个女强人，不必依赖任何人。' I thought of earning big money to give my parents and myself a good life in future. My dad works so hard just to earn enough for the family. Because he didn't have the chance to undergo much education as being the oldest son, he had to go work when he was in pri6 to help with earning money for the family. Why did people want to give birth to so many children when they cannot afford it. How stupid. Because of lousy family planning, children are deprived of education and when they are older, they suffer. On the other hand, those given the opportunity to study did not ultilise it, doing rubbish when they grow up.

Why am I even thinking of such things again now. All I have to do and must do is just to study hard. However, there are also tons of things that deters me from doing so. Argh. I hate life at times.